What This Semester Taught Me

There are some experiences in life that shape who we are. There are some that hurt us, some that make us wish it could never end, and others that make us question our existence entirely. But through all of it, we grow stronger. That's what college has mainly taught me. Lectures and art projects are what I'm paying for, but it's the transition into adulthood that is the net result.
This year has been a mix of me trying to figure out who I am, while also figuring out relationships in my life. In psychology we learned about this pyramid of personal growth. As a teenager, we try and figure out our identity, and in our young adulthood, we figure out relationships, both romantic and platonic. Me trying to figure out both has been a journey in itself. I am addicted to love. Being near someone, sharing intimacy, it's something I've never truly experienced before coming here. That can lead to a lot of unhealthy decisions. Going on a 3am Grindr hookup after a night of being sad about your last relationship isn't smart. The difference between intimacy and love is something my brain is still having trouble understanding. I get attached quickly, and when those experiences end badly, I feel that the only person to blame is myself. It's worse when you're roommate and best friend is a demisexual (a person who find sexual attraction only after building an emotional connection), because it makes my problems feel like they are inborn. Liking sex isn't a bad thing, but when you're trying to figure out what a real relationship is like, it's not a good idea to hookup with so many guys. Grindr isn't the place to find a boyfriend. I end up feeling like I'm not good enough for anyone because most guys I meet aren't looking for anything serious. It has made me more self conscious of my body and my personality. I've learned to stop blaming everything on myself. Boys, especially my age, aren't the best pool of people to look for a relationship, and I realize that I need let myself mature, and let everyone around me mature, because everyone is trying to figure this out, and once we get past this stage, relationships can be stronger and healthier. I learned that there are people in my life that I love and I don't need to be looking for happiness everywhere else when it's right in front of me.
I've never measured enough when I draw, but this piece taught me how to do that effectively. I can whip out stuff a lot more easily and more accurately when I take a pencil and figure out where everything is. Through all of the technical training I still try to stay true to my style and always be making art. The eraser marks in the hand are something that bother me, as does my execution of the watch. But that's all part of learning. Getting comfortable with the materials is a whole different aspect of drawing. I can see things, now I need to work on making what I put down on paper more in line with what my eyes see. I like to think this project summed up my first semester. It represents everything I've learned, while staying true to who I am, and my facial expression sums up how learning isn't always easy. I am a better artist, I am a stronger person, and I am ready to continue this great exploration and continue to grow. I don't know everything, I've always been open to that about my art, but not about myself, and being here has taught me that being open to emotional growth is just as important as intellectual growth.