Sociability

I thought that I'd write a blog post since I had some free time. I already wrote a post about my latest art project, so, I thought that rather than writing about process, I'd write about my life like I used to do.

I sometimes forget to reflect on my life. Personal reflection is one of the most important things to do. Most people don't really know who they are. They live life getting to know others, loving other people, but our selves sometimes get lost. Even looking in the mirror, sometimes you forget what you look like, and you know the person that exists in your mind. As an example, in my mind, I'm loud, but when I look at how I act, I'm exactly the opposite. When people catch me off guard and talk to me, I respond so softly that even I can't hear myself. It's this unconscious response, and it's one of those things that takes more than trying to consciously change it, it'll require a total change of personality on the subconsciously level. I recently watched a TED Talk on body language, and how it can change who you are. With all the acting lessons I've received in STAC, I was well aware of how it can change the way that people view you, and ever since I've been way more aware of how I move, but this TED Talk was something even more insightful. The main idea was "Fake it until you become it". If you're a more shy person, like myself, you can fake not being that person until eventually, the fake you becomes the real you. The speaker explained this through body language, and how changing your body language over time can change the way you interact with people. I really like this idea. I feel like I sometimes get so caught up with the fear of interaction that there is no hope for me to be more social. I take actions to try and change that, but sometimes I worry that it isn't doing anything to me, which is the major reason why I do things. The more I think about it, I have become much more social in the past few years because of this, but I'm still not where I'd like to be. I purposely do things that I wouldn't normally want to, I go places that are out of my way just to try and be more social, I talk to people that I normally wouldn't, just so that I can learn how to interact better. It's helped, but I been able to realize a big problem that I have when it comes to being more sociable. I fear guys. I don't what it is, but I can't talk to stranger guy without becoming the person that I don't like being. I've been able to make friends randomly out of girls, literally just be being more sociable and talking to them, but I have a weird trust issue with guys. I worry that they wont accept me, and even when they do, I still feel awkward and shy, so no real reason. I don't have crushes on these guys, but I can't seem to act normally around them. My new goal for now is create more guy friends, particularly straight guy friends, just to rule out any romantic affection. I miss having guy friends, I miss being able to talk about video games, and I hate all the drama that girls have. Guys do it too, but literally everyday I hear that someone hates another person, and I hear all this shit about backstabbing and it's just so stupid. I don't want to believe that this is the price for having friends of substance, but I hope to find some friends that aren't like that in the form of males. The period is going to end soon, so I'll end this blog post now.