I was working on these little wire things for STAC art. They are supposed to be game board pieces for the game board I'm making, but honestly I am just using that as an excuse to play with the wire. My hands are numb now. I can't feel the tips of my finger and I actually love that. I love working with my hands on fine and detailed things. I love to hand sew and I have worked with the bending metal arts before. My father has a little amateur jewelry shop set up in the basement. He has yet to use it, but he says that he will. My father used to make a living selling little trinkets and jewelry on the streets. His story is inspiring, and but now he has gotten lazy. He is the the type of person that reacts to a situation, and self motivation isn't something that comes easily to him. He made jewelry and art because he had to  because if he didn't then he'd starve. My father and I are alike in so many ways. We both get the system. We understand how things work and the minds of other people. We are able to navigate life so that we can do the least amount of work but yet seem like we geniuses. I'm not supposed to say things like that though. It makes me seem like a bad person, I was talking to Grace last night, and I said that all people boil down to a couple of awful traits, and that no one is truly as good as they seem to be. It isn't their fault though. I am very selfish, and so are so many people. I care about myself before almost everyone else, but I try so hard to not. And it is in that attempt to be good, that makes me a good person.
I am starting a book, writing one not reading one. It's about my life I think. But saying that makes it sound stupid. It's about my attempt to navigate the world and the mistakes and triumphs that I have seen, and how that has shaped my way of thinking and why I do the things that I do. I am young, I hardly have any experience, but at the same time I have a lot of stories. I have stories that I don't tell anyone about, and I am constantly in a new one. For the past nine months I have been in story after story. This has been the most exciting year of my life so far. I have done so much, just personally and mind expanding. I feel that I am starting to experience life. I haven't regretted a moment of this entire year, even all the mistakes I made because now I am smarter for them. I am writing this book for myself, because I organize thoughts when I write, better that I do in my head at least. I used to organize all of my thoughts on my walks home from school, everyday for twenty minutes I'd think to myself, and organize everything in my head, but when I write it down it is all more clear. I come to conclusion about things when I write. I evolve my ideas when I write. I thought this blog post was going to be about that STAC art stuff I was doing, but it isn't anymore. It's going to be hard to get support for this project, I already realize that. Writing this will make me seem like I know more about life than other people, and that gets people upset. I like to explore life and ideas, and it makes me seem like I pretend to know more than other people. If I were to finish the book, I'd all be about me, and I think highly of myself because I have never meet anyone else as interesting as me. That sounds shallow to say, but I love myself so much. I can never talk to anyone the way that I talk to myself. I admit my mistakes, but I love that I have mistakes. I love that I am learning from life and experience rather than how I used to learn. A lot of people I know learn through theory, and I used to as well. We'd think about life and questions, and then come to a conclusion within our heads. People don't learn from mistakes enough nowadays. My book is going to be funny. You are going to laugh because life is pretty funny if you think about it. The book isn't going to be about my sexuality, if I were to say that then I could never be a good book. It will address it, very often, but in the end of the day I want it to be about me. About my head, and everything that goes through it. I want to write down every thought that I would be yelled at for, and every experience that I should be ashamed of and that would embarrass me. This is a book for me, and my goal is for people to read it and actually understand me. Actually be able to see who I actually am because I doubt anyone really knows me to the level that I want them to.
The book will be separated into three parts. I am not sure that this will stay, but having a structure at the beginning will help me. The parts will be about me at different ages. The first will be my earliest memories to the fifth grade. The next will be middle school until the moment that I came out, and the last will be from this past November to now. I am writing this book so that people can understand me better, but I want them to do that though the stories that I tell. So every chapter will be a story, and the goal is so that if someone were to read the all the stories, they'd get a good understanding of who I am. I think I might of just contradicted myself because I think I said that I would be writing this for myself, but my idea changed. I never edit these blog posts. I write as I go, and make sure that nothing I put down is too offensive or rude, but I never read them over. This is my think tank. This is where ideas are born, not presented. To be judged badly for something I write on this blog would be unfair because this place to me, is a place to think. Eventually finished product should  appear, but for now, let's leave it at this.
Thank you for reading.