Exercise

               Exercise was never something that I enjoyed. I always hated it because of the immediate feeling of death after you go out for a jog, but ever since I started exercising again, I feel more alive. 

It's weird, the motivations that we have, if I didn't have a craving for cute, sexy, muscular twinks, then I'd probably not be trying to build myself. People always tell you that you should love whom you are, but then sells you things to make you "prettier". Whenever I'm faced with the question of "why are you trying to change yourself" I reply like on of my favourite characters would, Agrado from Todo Sobre mi Madre, the Pedro Almodovar film. She gave a speech about being authentic, and she said "Well, as I was saying, it costs a lot to be authentic, ma'am. And one can't be stingy with these things because you are more authentic the more you resemble what you've dreamed of being." She was defending her plastic surgeries but that mentality is true in everyone. I am not the cubby, weak kid that I look that. That person is a lie, and it's my job to bring out the real Julian, the authentic. I'm not changing who I am; I'm stopping the fakeness that I have been living. 

I gave a whole speech but in reality I'm just exercising because I've seen what the boy of my dreams look like, and he is skinny and drinks protein shakes. But all that stuff I said before is true too. I'm not what I look like now, and I have the ability to change that, so I will. 

I've been wearing my old children shirts. They're far too small for me, but they build my confidence. I hunch because it makes my chest not look as gross. I hate my man boobs. These tighter shirts force me to stand up straighter, and help a lot in my quest to become my real self.