I Had Time So I Wrote Another Rant, My Blog Is Going To Become My Journal At This Pace.

I have a number of friends that I don't see very much. Text messaging holds up our relationships. This is going to sound very weird, but sometimes I don't think that the people I am messaging aren’t real. I know they are because I've meet them and hung out with them, but for some reason when I'm texting them it seems fake. These people have become my imaginary friends. They exist unlike actual imaginary friends, but I know them as people that I text with, not as actual people. It's weird but I think I actually prefer having friends like that in some cases. If I want to talk to someone about something awkward it is easier to tell it to someone whom you hardly ever see because then you are spared the embarrassment of having it come up in real life. I can talk and complain all I want to these people without worrying about embarrassment of any kind because if I just stop messaging them then they basically stop existing to me.

I joined a dating website a couple weeks before I came out. And about a month ago I deleted that account. That website was my place to vent about anything. I would start conversations with random people and just complain about all of my issues. I also learned how to act when you are flirting. Most people suffer through embarrassment while they are talking to their actual crushes, but I was able to do this with Internet people, and now I don’t embarrass myself as much. The thing about Internet people is that if I turn off my computer, these people stop existing. It is the same with my text friends, except my text friends are more real. These Internet were totally temporary. I would flirt with a guy from California and then just forget about him for the rest of my life, and that made me feel good. When you're going through self-image issues this site can actually be extremely useful. I didn't think I was attractive but when guys on the Internet are calling me cute, then my self-esteem grows. Things got weird with the website because I wasn't using it for the right reasons. I always tried to make things real. I wasn't content with just casual flirting and I brought my own downfall. I ended up meeting a guy from the website. He turned out to be very odd, and I had never had any experience with a guy before, so I fell for him. He said that after he knew me better we'd date, but after a month I saw that he was really weird. I told him that I'd just want to be friends. Then he introduced me to another guy, and instantaneous I fell for this new guy, and not for the same reason that I liked the first guy, but because this new guy was actually fantastic, and I still think that he is a great guy, but I'm not into him like I was before because of my current relationship status. I joined another dating website where I meet another guy and I was not attracted to him at all, but he and the guy that the first guy introduced me to had dated once. Things between them were starting to bubble again and I put myself in the middle of that because I was emotionally weak and I needed someone to be happy if I couldn't be. So I put actual effort into making the two a couple, and then I realized that the third guy was doing the same thing to the second guy that the first guy did to me. He was teasing him with the possibility of becoming something more, but not really attracted to him the way he was to him. They never ended up together. The reason I'm explaining all of this is because I wanted to make an analogy but I didn't think you'd understand it unless you knew the whole story. But now that I think about it the analogy wasn't too good but I'll say it anyway just because then this whole rant will feel like a waste of time. My relationship with these boys is like the Cold War. Nothing really happened in real life, but it impacted my life very much. I met them all in real life, but in my mind I know them as text messages, but those text messages changed my life.

I have gone through a lot of shit this year, and in this case “shit” means good and bad things. I am experiencing things, but I'm not just experiencing, I'm learning from them, and I am truly happy. I am living in a point of my life where I am happy almost always, I might get sad, or there might be an issue I have with someone, but generally everything in my life is good. I remember two years ago I had only a couple of friends, and I never really talked to them much, but now I have so many friends, and even more acquaintances, and I can honestly say that I have no enemies that I know of. You can't hate someone who doesn't get angry, because then in the end you just seem like a jerk. That is how I normally get out of any trouble. If you can make yourself weak then you can manipulate people from that position. I used to do it subconsciously and so do many people. People don't like to think that they are being manipulated though, it makes them seem stupid, and I understand, so I try not to talk about this much. I realize things a lot. I remember that last year I was learning about how in acting every character has an objective in a conversation, and they want to accomplish this to feel satisfied. If you can identify what someone's objective is in real life, then you put yourself at an advantage in life, because you know exactly what the other person wants. Even if you're wrong, you still have an advantage in general, and then you also have to try and understand what it is you want exactly. Sometimes you might say you want something but actually not, like I might yell at you because you ate my cookie, and I say that I'm yelling because so that you wouldn't eat my cookies anymore, but in reality I could just want to assert my own power over you and see you fall. That situation happens very often, most of the time people can get satisfaction if you just fall to their will. I understand that I am not a take-charge type of guy, but that doesn't mean that I can't manipulate people like everyone else does. I know that I sound like a jerk when I talk about this, but I just think about things like this more. You probably do the same thing, but you don't realize because you are too busy focused on your emotion or something else like that. I'm reading East of Eden now and there is this character named Cathy. The first thing we learn about Cathy is that she is evil. Cathy is evil, but one of the reasons John Steinbeck gives for why she is evil is because she manipulates people, but that isn't so evil, what makes her evil is that fact that she killed her parents and shot her husband and left her children to work in a brothel. Cathy is a smart girl, and I respect her for that. I see a lot of myself in her, even though I probably shouldn't because she is evil and crazy. Cathy doesn't talk much while she is with others, and I do the same. Cathy observes people and she thinks about things and plans out in her head. She examines people like I do, except she does it with they intent of creating chaos, while I just do it because I use what I learn to give myself a better life.

I guess that I'm done ranting. Thank you.