I had an idea.

I had an idea.
I was reading my old blog posts from a year ago, and I had the idea to respond to them. I remember that in elementary and middle school we used to do a bunch of projects where we'd write a letter to our older selves, but I don't remember my older-self ever actually getting any letter. My blog is my letter to my future self. And the future self is me right now, and what I am writing now is a letter to the even more future me. The internet is forever, and this blog, even if I don't touch it for thirty years, it will probably still be exactly where I left it, and that is the best letter to yourself, because one day I'll come back to this, and read all the stuff that I used to write, I'd be able to see how my mind used to function and how my views are so different now. When i come to believe something, I commit to that belief, and that has always been the way that I have done things, so my ideas don't change as much as they are added onto. For example I used to believe that living with inner peace was more important than happiness, and that could justify my quest to get rid of my emotions entirely, but I have since left the idea of trying to control my emotions, I believe in the same things, but not to the extreme that I used to, like I don't get angry very often, and it is hard to piss me off, and even if you do you hardly see it because of what I used to do. Before I wouldn't allow even the thought of anger enter my head, and now I do, but I let it flow through me, I let myself get angry, feel that emotion, but never hold onto it. It passes through me fast enough so that people don't have to witness me being upset. Things like that change about me, and the things like that are what I want my blog to record. I want to be able to see my evolution as a person, and revisit the old me.
I want to comment on my older blog posts someday in the future, and try to explain to my old self how their view is going to change, and then eventually, the even older me will comment on a blog post like this one, and we'd have a nice little conversation, spanning through the years.
Tomorrow I plan to continue to work on the scenes with Katherine, today I started, and I realized that I know very little about directing acting. Last year the only exposure with directing was the scene i did with Andrew, Grace, and Alison, which was probably one of the best experiences I had in STAC, because it was something that was genuinely fun for the entire time. We would go through it over and over again, and I was able to tell the actors anything I wanted to. Any thought that entered my mind I could just scream at them, and I miss that. Matt is much better at this than I am, he was with me as i was working with Emily and Peter. I get caught up in details a lot of the time, and I am ignoring the core of the issues that I'm having. I know what I want to see, but I have a difficulty in getting the actors to do understand what it is that I want, but I am learning and that's what matters. I the directing too literally, for example, today, there is a scene where Peter has to be disinterested in Emily, and he wasn't doing it the way I had imagined, and so I had little notes about how to change specific things to make it better, but Matt was able to get Peter to do it by giving direction that is much more broad and allowing him to understand the character better, and that is something that I want to learn how to do.
I miss a simplicity of life that I remember in middle school. Eight grade was a fantastic year for me, and most people hate middle school, but eight grade was incredible for me. That was the year that I truly "found" myself. I didn't discover everything about life in that moment, but eight grade mark when I first started to change everything about myself. I lost a tremendous amount of weight, and I started to question everything. It wasn't the most important year of my life, but it was the easiest and the first of the rest of my life. This is weird to say, but most of the gay teenagers I have been meeting are extremely mature, even the ones that I personally do not like. Finding a teen who is out of the closet nowadays isn't a child anymore. Or at least is less of one. We are a special breed of people because we have all been through so much shit, and we're not tougher than others, but most of us have stories. I was introduced to a kid that lives in Manhattan who was sent to gay treatment camp in the midwest, and who lives an extremely sad life, even though he is the son of an EXTREMELY wealthy business man. He is a total idiot, spoiled brat, and he dropped out of school and spends his days shopping with his friends and getting high on drugs that cost more than some the monthly salaries of some people I know. But even he is mature, he isn't a child anymore, that innocence was taken from him, and even though I can't stand him, there is no denying his maturity. He is an adult, or as much of an adult as he will ever get to be given the fact that he never has to worry about money for his entire life. Most gay people don't come out until they are in college, and now they are the awkward kids that you disregard as you walk through the halls. What I did, what any kid who is out does, is something that is extremely difficult at our age, because sexuality isn't something that set. I came out as gay when I still thought I was bisexual, and I had this misconception that if I came out as bi then no one would want to talk to me, because of the fear that I would be sexual attracted to them. A lot of the time, with the rest of the gays who don't come out, they don't have that dialogue in their heads. They refuse to even think about sex in some cases, so that they aren't hiding anything because they refuse to think about it.
There are two stages of being in the closet, the first is being in denial to yourself, by refusing to think of sex, or forcing yourself to think of the opposite sex, and then there is the next which is knowing who you are, but not telling anyone. I talk about wanting a boyfriend a lot, but recently that dialogue within my mind has slowed down, and so people come up to me and try and tell me about boys who they think are gay, and I tell them that I don't care. If a boy isn't out to himself, then he isn't dateable, and there is nothing you can do about that, and you're not going to wait, because you could find yourself waiting for a lifetime. And also people, especially my mother, like to tell me about all the "gay" news that they hear. The other day my mother was telling me about how our neighbor's daughter, who is the same age as my sister, is lesbian. She looks at me waiting for some sort of response, but I could honestly care less. I think that we should be spending less resources here to get things like gay marriage passed, and more effort in Africa, to feed the starving people, and stop the murdering. I am fine here. I really could care less about my own rights, when some people don't even have the right to live. Like the only gay issue that is worth addressing at this moment in time, is the murders of our people by governments and by individuals. Other than that nothing else matters right now. Nothing. Not my right to get married or anything like that. Not when people are being denied the right to life in parts of the world. I think it is great when a new gay marriage law is passed, but what I can't stand is when millions of dollars are spent when there are bigger problems that need to faced. The world doesn't think in the sense of "world" it thinks in the sense of "country". We care about the state of our own country above the state of any place else. I am totally okay with living with less if it means that a family in Kenya can have the same right to life that I do here. I am not saying that we shouldn't be pushing forward in these issues here, but the majority of our resources should be sent to fix the areas of the world where people are denied the most basic right of all, the right to live. This right is being taken away from people who didn't commit any crime, but we are punishing these people more harshly than our terrorists in some cases, and that is the worse injustice imaginable. Thanks for reading.