My Job and Life

Having a job has taught me so much. I'm really understanding adulthood, budging, business, and responsibility in general. A year ago, I never thought that I'd have a job, and now that I do, it's nothing like I expected. 

Having money is the best part. It's something I really can't explain because it's so awesome. At least for me it is. I hate having to ask my parents for anything, and now, I really don't have to. If I need something, I can go and buy it. Two months ago when I bought a subscription to Spotify and I was terrified because I thought that my parents would get mad for me not consulting them. They didn't because it's my money. I choose that it's something I want to invest in because I hate having to buy and download all my music. But, it's more than small purchases like Spotify, I also have made pretty big purchases, and it has been my decision. This February, I'm going to Quebec with the French class. I saved up for four months and got enough to pay for myself. There is something so gratifying about being able to do that. No one could tell me that the trip was too expensive because I was paying for it. And, this summer, I'm going backpacking across Europe, and I'm saving all my money for that too. I can do the things I want to because I have the money for it. And I calculate how much I am allowed to spend out of what I make to still have enough. Taking economics now, during the first semester, has really helped with that. I realized that I have a lot of money, and spending it on stupid things just doesn't make sense. I can almost anything I want, but to have the things and experiences I really want, I need to be smart.

The shitty part is that I work a lot. Especially during the time I have off. Vacations aren't vacations because I have to work. Weekends aren't any better than schools days when I have an eight hour shift. My social life has dwindled, and my ability to produce art has also taken a hit. I love having a job, but I have having to go. It brings structure to my life, but being creative becomes difficult when I have to adhere to a schedule. That's where my thoughts bring me to the future. Having a job I can't stand being in isn't an option. I need a career that is as flexible as I am. 

I recently saw a documentary on the life and careers of Lella and Massimo Vignelli, and I envy them so much. They had the life I dream of. Their work was never boring or meaningless, it was never for a paycheck or stability. They did what they did because they loved design. I want a career where I can do what they did; getting paid to make something functional and beautiful. They have become my new idols in a way. Their foreign to the United States, which I admire because they're bilingual, and they're so intelligent. Listening to them talk is like having your mind blown every moment. They both died this year, and it's a shame that I'm just now discovering who my idols are right after they've died.

I think my life can be wonderful. Knowing how to spend my money and having a job that is fulfilling is all I need to be content. 

Beginnings

In my opinion, starting projects are normally the easiest part of the process. I never had a problem starting a project, and for me, I see problems seeing those projects through. I don't fear beginning something because when you first start something, you have nothing to ruin, but once you continue a project you have put a lot of effort into, it becomes difficult to make changes and finish it because of the fear of messing it up. I do, like most humans, have a level of procastination that I have to deal with. I put off starting the things I'm uncertain about because I fear getting myself into a situation where I have to deal with failure. I don't see this problem very much in my artwork because, but rather in my school work. I think that working on a piece of art allows for easy beginnings because of a relatively low level of preparation involved. Art is whatever you want it to be, so you can manage the fear far easier because the requirements are set by yourself. Writing a paper on a topic I know nothing about is scarier than starting a painting of a horse. I've never studied drawing horses, so after my first couple of sketches, I could realize that it'd be better in my ability to just draw it's head. With school work, you're expected to finish it within the parameters of what will get you a good grade, which is why I put off starting school projects.

Overall, beginning isn't a big fear of mine. I have started far more things than I've finished. If I am working and I can't finish a piece because I'm not comfortable with where it's going, I just stop working on it. That mentality allows me to continue to work without a fear of starting because I know that most of what I start won't be a fully realized piece. The fear of starting goes away when you know that most of what you're making isn't going to be present as a finished piece. 

I never push myself too far in regards to my art. I never set myself up for something that I don't think I can realistically do. This is especially evident in when I write plays and movie scripts. If I had it so that I was setting myself up to have to do very difficult things in movies, then starting would be much more scarier. The elevator movies we had to make are a great example. I wasn't thinking of a cool idea as much as I was thinking of a plausible idea. I wanted to make something that could be turned out quickly and easily. I knew that it'd be hard to cast boys so I wrote the script to have two girls, and I made it so that nearly anyone could have played the parts. The shots were all easy and could be changed quickly if they didn't work. Because of that, starting filming on Friday wasn't a problem for me at all because I knew that I could get it done. 

Fear

I've encountered my fair share of fear in my artistic process. Fear is something that every artist has to deal with because as much as it is a block for creating work, fear makes us human. One of the biggest things I've noticed about fear and work is that there is a lot more fear when your work is supposed to mean something, or be for something. When I first started my 365, there really wasn't much fear at all. I wasn't expecting to create work for anything. No one could judge my art poorly because I was literally just starting, and I wasn't working anyone expect myself. As much as I continue to try and do that, it gets significantly harder the more serious I take my work. I'm scared about people thinking I'm not good enough. The excuse that I'm new at all of this isn't true anymore, so every piece I make, I'm conscious of how people might view it. I can say that truthfully, this hasn't helped my process as much. Gone are the days when I can draw faces from pictures on the internet for hours. That's "plagiarism" according to colleges and the AP. That was my go to process. Coming up with sketches and trying to make the pieces exciting and new, that's what's scary. I liked the simplicity of what it used to be. Experimenting without judgement or consequence. I don't have a problem producing work, but I can say that I would be producing much more if I didn't have so much fear.
In regards to my tent project, a big block in that is fear. I could push myself to try and get it done, but I have almost no idea what to do with it. I've never done anything like it before, so I'm scared that I'd fail. There is research I'd have to do, and materials I'd have to gather, and then the assembly. I've come to a point where I know what I want to do, I know what I want it to look like, but I have no idea how to physically make it. Making work I'm comfortable with eliminates the need to fear it. I know how to draw a face, so doing that instead is normally what ends up happening when I work on it.
One of the best ways to work through fear, from my experience, is to work a lot on a the thing you're scared of, in tiny practices so that you can go through the failure quickly without worrying about it having consequences. Quick figure drawings are a great example. A bad thirty second gesture drawing means almost nothing because your investment was so tiny, but if you do a lot of them, then drawing bodies becomes easy and comfortable.